Postbag

Dear sirs and, indeed, madams,

I am thrilled -- nay -- overjoyed to see more mention of female arse fondling in your great e-publication. FROM A GENUINE FEMALE ARSE FONDLER, NO LESS! Bravo to that person, that's what I say.

But (there is ALWAYS a butt with me, isn't there?), that is merely a person writing in and offering the services of a genuine FAF. Where are the actual articles (maybe even with editorial comment) dealing with that most honorable of practices?

My claim that your e-mag is governed by a fascist dictatorship still stands, let me tell you, and I will be registering my protest with the decent chaps at the Home Office as soon as I possibly can, unless you can give me a promise to amend the magazine's content policy.

That is all. I read you every day.

SW responds:

I fear you are severely twisted, and will be greatly disappointed in that once again I find myself having to state this publication's position on female arse fondlers. There will never be any mention of them in this publication. not now, nor ever. This is not the forum for female arse fondlers. If this is what you want, all I can suggest is that you join femalearsefondlers@egroups.co.uk. As for your claim that the magazine is governed by a fascist dictatorship, well what of it?

Mr Ken O'Shodding...

Some variations on the watched-kettle experiment to be timed:

1. Boil the kettle, place a video camera pointing at the kettle. Watch the boiling on a TV being fed live by the camera.
2. Place a video camera pointing at the kettle. Start the camera recording. Switch on the kettle and go into another room. Return after a time that allows for the kettle to be boiled (using times taken from previous experiments to estimate a decent boiling-time margin). Play back the recording to measure the boiling time.
3. Use two kettles set up identically. Start them both boiling, but only look at one of them. It will be obvious which one finishes boiling first.
4. Use two kettles set up identically. Start them both boiling, and alternate looking at each one for equal periods of time (e.g. 5 seconds looking at kettle 1, then 5 seconds at kettle 2). Use a different timer for each kettle. Compare these times with a trial where a kettle was watched for 100% of the time.

SW responds:

Our research department is much gratified by your interest and suggestions. It is with great regret that I have to inform you that the department is sorely lacking in funds, but as soon as your research grant comes through, they will be happy to further these vital investigations.

Dear sirs,

I have been following the female arse-fondlers debate for some time now, and it has come to my attention that 'the boy' Flynn's question has already been answered. In fact the words "female arse-fondlers" (in that order), have appeared on your site no less than 5, no 6* (now) times. Can we not rest easy in our beds, and eagerly take our sup (not necessarily in that order), that the great debate has finally been resolved?

*all counting performed while heavily stoned. The Smoking Pear takes no responsibilities for injuries incurred while operating on these calculations.

SW responds:

Oh no, not another looney erm, slightly eccentric reader.

I'm afraid I must put you right. The words "female arse fondler" (in that order) have never and will never appear within the confines of this magazine. Please see my reply above.