Issue number 5

Installed: 01-9-2000

News Desk

Enlightening stories culled from the worlds press. All of the following have genuinely been published at some time.

	Motorway patrols reported severe congestion for two hours. The lorry was slightly injured and was taken to Chesterfield Royal Hospital for treatment.
	At the May meeting of the Axminster flower club, Mrs Verginia Tembrook demonstrated how to create a hat with just a block of oasis, flowers and foliage, followed by her impression of a waterfall.
	Mr A. R. Cade, councel for Thompson, said that although the facts were "horrific", the cutting of the body in two pieces was "only because it would not fit into the boot of the Morris Minor" - not to avoid detection.
	A Padiham man who dived head first onto the sands at Blackpool was told by magistrates at the resort to go back home and try to straighten himself out.
	What Mrs Thatcher's closest friends are wondering is whether, as the signs suggest, she is beginning to suffer from metal fatigue.
	New Orleans - Baseball people get up yesterday to read the local paper and see that the Mets dealt Rusty Staub to the Phillies. Of course, the writer had heard it from know that the deal had know that the deal had another writer an didn't fallen through. Anyway, he had the principles mixed up.
	Church notice: The Bishop will preach here next Sunday and his wife will open our annual garden fete on the following Saturday. On both occasions I hope to be away on holiday - The Vicar.
	There were only eight days in February without sin, the longest period being 7.5 hours on 4 February.
	Classifieds
	Belly dancers wanted for new show. Would work with other girls on rotating basis.
	Bath wanted for baby with galvanised bottom.
	Wanted - person to work on nuclear fissionable isotope molecular reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic uranium photo-synthesisers. No experience necessary.

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