Issue number 6

Installed: 01-10-2000

News Desk

Enlightening stories culled from the worlds press. All of the following have genuinely been published at some time.

	Fruit vendor Tiago Machado, who was reported to have seen "little green men" come out of a flying saucer when it landed near Sao Paulo, said yesterday that he had been misquoted. They were little red men, he declared.
	22 year old Patrick Lawrence, of Duckula, Georgia, was apprehended by police for making love to a pumpkin he had amended for this purpose. Asked by police why he was molesting a pumpkin, Lawrence replied "Pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"
	Police are anxious to interview a well built man, 5ft 10ins to 6ft tall, wearing dark-coloured clothing and no raincoat.
	After eight years' searching the Parish Register for a name to match the initials H.W.P. on a stone slab in his church, the Rev Phillip Randall, of Eye, near Peterborough, has solved the mystery. The initials stand for Hot Water Pipe.
	Wreckage is being washed ashore at Abermawr, Pembrokeshire. It is feared there has been a wreck.
	Miss Edith Seymour Clark, daughter of Mrs Howard Gates Clark of 983 Park Lane, will be carried on the afternoon of April 21st to Mr John Jacob Gunther, of 46 East 81 Street, in Christ Church.
	A correspondent was waiting to cross busy Suffolk St. in Dublin, when an American tourist joined him on the pavement just when the traffic lights changed, emitting their familiar electronic bleep. "What noise is that?" asked the American, evidently perplexed. Being a friendly sort, the correspondent explained that the sound was meant to alert blind people that the lights had changed. "Gee" said the American, clearly amazed, "back in the States, we don’t even allow blind people to drive!"
	Cooler in the South, Warmer in the South is the seven-day forecast of the Sunday Express weather experts.
	Classifieds
	Ferrari... extensive mechanical overhaul, discs, humorous expensive extras.
	Position Wanted. Dour-faced, lazy, unpersuasive male offers only honesty, loyalty and some intelligence for £2000 a year.
	Girl Wanted for petrol pump attendant.

[Previous]	[Contents]	[Next]